Here, Pee In This Cup While I Watch

After sending out what felt like a million resumes, I finally did get some calls for having made it on the "short list" and got called in for interviews. I hadn't started looking for a job until the kids were out of their month long quarantine since I was spending several hours a week visiting them to try to lessen their stress from being away from us and in a kennel like environment. However, by then it was too close to the holiday season and even without having heard it over and over again from Australians, you could tell that there were fewer job postings. And most companies would not be taking any action on posted jobs in November/December until after the new year.

So it was with some relief that I did start getting calls about a week into January. Aside from having to depend on some crazy (and expensive!!) taxi drivers to take me to and fro for the interview, the interview process was similar to those in the States. Talk about yourself, they talk about the company, you talk more about yourself, they talk about themselves and it goes on for about an hour. So after a first then a second interview, it was looking like one of the company would be selecting me as their candidate of choice.

At the end of the second interview, the interviewer tells me that the next step would be for reference and a medical then an offer. I recall standing there was kind of a frozen smile and probably a blank look for a second or two before I ask, "medical?" And he laughes, which doesn't assure me, and says "well yeah, have to make sure you're all okay to work." Now keep in mind I applied for an HR job not something that would have required must physical demand so I found it odd that I would need a medical. I then asked, "do you mean a drug test?" And he kinda gives me a surprised look and repeats "drug test?" And I, probably sounding stupid, says "urine test?" And he says, kinda incredulously, "no."

I share a little of the typical pre-employment drug screen that's prevelant in the States and he kinda scoffs at it and we have a short discussion of medical discrimination and necessity. In the end, although he didn't spell it out, I believe because the company is predominately made up of truck drivers and I can understand a medical to test for fit for duty, they just carry that practice completely across the board to prevent discrimination. I assure him it's not a big deal for me, but rather I was surprised it was necessary for my job.

So in the end the recruiter calls me in a few days and tells me that they wish to send me for a medical. Since it wasn't easily accessible by train and we had the hired car until noon that day, (because I had an interview the day prior and Anthony drove me) Anthony offered to take me for the medical. The recruiter tells me it should take about 30 minutes for a general medical (whatever that includes), audio, and drug test (aha!) and that she would email me a medical questionnaire to complete and send back to her.

The medical questionnaire threw me off because it would be something you fill out when visiting a doctor for the first time. And my first thought was, why does my employer get to see this? I didn't have anything to hide or any history that I would have wanted to keep a secret but I was a bit taken aback as to how much information they would get to see. Here's some of what was on the questionnaire:

See what I mean? This something you would have normally given your boss or a recruiter to see?

Keep in mind I hadn't received an actual offer yet. I was told once they received the medical results that they would call me.

So we head off to a 9:30 AM appointment at a clinic. I get there and have to fill out almost the similar questionnaire again. Prior to going I had asked the recruiter if I needed to bring a copy of the questionnaire to the appointment and she said no because she was going to fax it to them so I asked if it was okay to bring the questionnaire to the clinic myself and she says that's fine but to still send her a copy. (bleh)

We get there just a few minutes before 9:30 AM and there are 2 hour parking slots in front of the clinic. We snag the last one.

10:30 AM I finally get called in. Anthony was getting restless as you could imagine.

They take me back and point to a really narrow restroom and a cup. I must have a blank look on my face because she says to me, "need your urine." So I slip into this tiny cupboard of a restroom and start to close the door, which is promptly stopped by the lady's hand and says that I have to do it with the door open. I would have paid anything to have seen my own face at that moment. Mind you this little restroom is along what I could tell, was already a frequently traveled hallway for both employees and the patients. She affords me a little bit of door closure so I'm not completely out in the open for everyone passing by to see me piss on my hands but it was nonetheless a very very awkward and uncomfortable event. Once I'm done and I reach for the sink to wash my hands and notice the sink is dry and there's a hand sanitizer pump there. The lady saw my hesitation and snaps a little telling me to use the dry wash. I blanch a bit but resign to "dry wash" my hands. I still have my lovely bottle of pee with me. Nobody takes it out of my hands yet.

She leads me back to a tight fit area with what looks like two sound booths (which only diminshes sound and not keep it out completely).  She snatches my bottle of pee from my hands (I was trying to carry it inconspiciously) and just puts it on a counter where she was writing stuff on a clipboard. The first thing that comes to my mind was that she didn't have gloves on, nor is it an area specifically for bottles of urine but rather a regular work space, and she doesn't wash her hand in any fashion after she puts it down but rather returns to her writing and punching the keys of the computer. I'd hate to swab those keys and see what's growing on there.

She ushers me into one of the sound booth, slaps a set of headphones and a little trigger gizmo in my hand then closes the door. Mind you they gave me no instructions. So I sit there for about 30 seconds before the lady comes back, opens the door, and says that I'm going to have to wait a bit then closes the door on me. I have yet to get in a word. So I sit there staring out where there's two older males sitting in a chair situated between the two sound booths. I'm assuming other patients. About 5 minutes later the lady does some stuff to a computer then throws a thumbs up to me. I do a little nod, still not sure what I'm suppose to do. I hear a couple of beeps in one ear and I figure that I would hit the trigger when I hear something. About 10 minutes later there's no more beeps and I just sit there. It's another 5 minutes before the lady comes back to get me out of the booth then goes to get the results. She's instantly perturbed and I have a brief moment of panic that I did the whole thing wrong. But apparently the machine stopped recording the results shortly after I started. So she ushers me into the other sound booth. This time I manage to quickly ask questions to make sure I was doing it right. Not looking at me, she answers them in short clips.

Another 15 minutes of doing the test again and waiting for them to release me. They then tell me to "wait over there." Which I can only assume is near the other 3 people "waiting over there" in a narrow aisle. So I stand there for about 10 minutes before they take me into an open doored room to take my blood pressure, height, weight, and vision test (reading letters across the room covering each eye). They ask me a couple basic health questions, check my ID (shouldn't they have checked that at the very beginning?) then tell me that I can wait for the doctor to see me back in the waiting room. I'm thinking, "crap, I'm still not done."

So I go back out to the waiting room which has filled up with even more people. I'm immediately feeling guilty for having dragged Anthony into this. It's about 11:30 AM by now. We end up waiting about another 30 minutes before the doctor comes out and calls me in, only to stick me in a room and he disappears to see another patient. About 15 minutes later he shows up, shuffles through all my paperwork, chit chats, then has me stand up and gets me to turn my head in various directions and move my eyeballs, touch my toes, breath in and out, lays me down so he can poke around on me, pull and push his hands, stick out my tongue then sends me on my way.

A complete utter waste of not only my time but Anthony's. It's about Noon when we finally leave. Miraculously we didn't get a parking ticket, which is extremely strict, expensive, and with no leniency  not even by a minute.

Fortunately they didn't charge us extra for having been late with returning the hired car and since he was already a lot later than he had expected in returningn to work, we sat down for a quick lunch before shuffling to work.

I get a call about 2 hours later with an offer of employment (so much for waiting for the medical results) and a few days later I accept. I think the medical is a fairly common pre-employment practice here and not just because of the industry of the company I was applying for but really, a waste of money and time.

Oh well, in the end I got a job. Nothing fancy and definitely several steps back for me but I know being on a visa and having no domestic HR experience had automatically eliminated me from several of the employers that I had applied for so I'll take what I can get. It'll be an opportunity for me to learn the Australia laws and work culture and most importantly, contribute a little financially instead of just depending entirely on Anthony's paychecks.

So wish me luck! I start in a few weeks when the boss man comes back from holiday....lucky him.

- julie